Psalm 30-You Kept me Alive

Have you ever had nights where you just feel like you are just kept alive by God's hand of protection? I have. Ever since I tried to commit suicide back in 2017, I write at midnight to help calm my spirit. I know God has kept me alive for a reason. Here is my story of how God kept me alive for such a time as this.

In 2017, I had no outlet to express my feelings, so I became vulnerable to Satan’s

venomous attacks and began to inflict pain on myself because I had no way to express how much I was hurt by my youth pastor, my Sunday school classmates, my best friend leaving for New Jersey, and the heavy homework load I faced as a junior in high school. Self-harm opened the door to suicidal thoughts and actions. I never told a counselor, my mom, or my pastors about this darkness. My bottled-up tension would soon explode.

In December 2017, I couldn’t handle the pressure anymore. I took my knife from a drawer in my bedroom and tried to find the perfect spot to stab myself. I raised the knife and pierced my chest near my heart. I blocked out the initial pain. When it wouldn’t stop bleeding, I was horrified.

After crying out to God for rescue and unsuccessfully trying to stop the bleeding, I ran upstairs and furiously knocked on my parents' door. They opened it, and I explained what happened. Concerned, they asked why I tried to end my life and if my situation was serious. Overwhelmed and desperate, I responded to my parents. We rushed to Wesley ER in Derby, KS, to stop the bleeding. The staff admitted me, and I had a drug test. Later, I was taken by ambulance for a mental evaluation—my first and only ambulance ride.

The next day, a Wesleyan psychologist asked if I loved my parents and if I was likely to attempt suicide again. I answered that I love them and would never try again. I also filled out psychological forms, determined not to relive the experience. My mom told me, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It’s never the answer. Jesus is the solution!"

I sought biblical counseling at the request of my parents. The counseling was very

helpful. The counselor said, “You should depend on God because He will never leave you nor forsake you. You, Andrew, should not worry about the future. God is your rock and your salvation. God is an ever-present help in times of trouble. God is your fortress. Jesus Christ has saved you and has given you the power of resurrection. Use God’s resurrection power to overcome your personal pain.” He also said, “Even if you do not have friends, Christ is your friend.”

I learned once again that Jesus Christ had saved me. I deserved punishment for my sins, but Christ died for me. Christ died in my place and gave me a life worth living. Once I

reaffirmed the truth of God’s redeeming power and believed in God’s message with my whole heart, I was truly transformed and grew closer to God. I felt reborn, given a second chance to live. I do not want to waste my second chance. I felt the Holy Spirit enter my life. Just as Jesus was my solution to my pain and anxiety, Jesus is indeed the solution to your worries and fears.

We must understand the nature of our battles. Our struggle is not with people but with principalities and demons in the spiritual realm. Ephesians 6:12 teaches, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places” (NASB).

When you feel like you’re at your breaking point, trust in Jesus Christ even more. When you feel super depressed, trust in Jesus Christ even more. When you feel like you cannot escape your feelings, trust in Jesus Christ even more. Jesus is the solution to your pains and anxieties. However, Satan wants us to feel spiritually paralyzed by the poison that intoxicates our minds. We should definitely cry out, “I am born again by God’s Amazing Grace.”

Despite my failure back in 2017, I realize that my purpose in life is to sing praises to God and praise the mention of His Holiness. This was my prayer that night. Psalms 30 (NASB) states,

I will exalt You, Lord, for You have lifted me up, And have not let my enemies rejoice over me. ² Lord my God,I cried to You for help, and You healed me. ³ Lord, You have brought up my soul from ^[a]Sheol; You have kept me alive, ^[b]that I would not go down to the pit. ⁴ Sing praise to the Lord, you His godly ones, And praise the mention of His holiness. ⁵ For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning. ⁶ Now as for me, I said in my prosperity,“I will never be moved.” ⁷ Lord, by Your favor You have made my mountain to stand strong; You hid Your face, I was dismayed. ⁸ To You, Lord, I called, And to the Lord I pleaded for compassion: ⁹ “What gain is there in my blood, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise You? Will it declare Your faithfulness? ¹⁰ “Hear, Lord, and be gracious to me; Lord, be my helper.” ¹¹ You have turned my mourning into dancing for me; You have untied my sackcloth and encircled me with joy, ¹² That my ^[c]soul may sing praise to You and not be silent. Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

This has been my prayer ever since that night. God turned my mourning into dancing. I have purpose in my life. I work at Walmart now. I go to Wichita State to pursue Economics, I serve in my community. Sometimes, you need to look towards the future and not the past. I am glad to be part of the Beta Gamma Sigma Honors Society at Wichita State University. This is my story of how God kept me alive for such a time as this.